THE GOLDEN YEARS





Many times in my life I was faced with pain and regret. I, like every other young girl, dreamed of walking down an aisle, having kids and a family. But my dream vanished in my early 20s after being deceived by men I trusted and thought I loved. I, in vain waited for that especial man that would dry my tears and sweep away my pain but I became so use to suffering that I considered pain and loneliness my closest friend.

At 22 I started meeting new people, and hanging with a different crow. I dated a few guys; many times I was in lust but never in love. I made it about living the moment and having fun. Taking care of myself was my biggest responsibility and looking good my major concern.

I lived my life one day at a time. I never thought about yesterday and didn’t worry about tomorrow. I didn’t have to think about doubts or regrets; I learned from each and one of my mistakes. “What doesn’t kill me make me stronger” was a modem I lived by. I guess it was my way of blocking myself from getting hurt.

At 25 I met a wonderful woman who blew my mind away and showed me a different outlook on life. She is a woman I respected, loved, and admired. She helped me see things a different way. I stopped dealing with man on that note and started dating females. (I don’t consider myself bisexual or gay that was something I experienced and left behind down my journey in life.)

Dating female was a chapter in my life I really enjoyed but that had to be close in my 30s when I realized life wasn’t a game. I started thinking about yesterday and being afraid of today. Tomorrow was something I didn’t want to look forward to because there was no future awaiting me.

By the time I was 40 I realized loneliness had became my best friend again and I was starting to have doubts and regrets. I started wishing I had things then I thought I never needed before. My body was changing and so was my hair. In my 50s I started worrying about things I thought I didn’t care. The thoughts of tomorrow brought tears to my eyes, to know that I was lonely and I had no one to love or care for.

My mother was dead and so was my dad, my sister had moved with her family down south, and my little brother I didn’t see since I was nineteen. He was living with my aunt who didn’t allow me to visit him because she believed I was a bad influence. Now that I am 60, I believe is too late to tell them I have changed so I have no choice but to stay to myself, away from the people I now realize I love.

My hair had turned white like the snow and my face seems to have lost it natural glow. My skin is wrinkled and the years had weakened my bones. Death has become my biggest fear. I know it’s near and I have no choice but to share with my only friend, loneliness, the rest of my golden years…




By: GIGI
Inspired by: Life

3/22/10

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